Whiter Shade of Pale

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WHAT WERE MY BROTHERS THINKING?! Of course, these were the same brothers that when we were kids kindly offered their sister a piece of candy, which was highly out of character. “Wow! I can’t believe they’re being so sweet to me!” I said to myself as I took the candy and popped it into my unsuspecting mouth to their guffaws of laughter.

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

Not so much. They had done something to the candy. I won’t be indelicate here, but it involved bodily gas. YOU do the math.

THOSE brothers. I see. And now they want me to do live broadcasts every day. No problem!

I am an actress and have been somewhat successful in the past. Why, in Sebastopol, California I could hardly walk the streets! But this. THIS. Turns out performing in a play where you have lines and a character is a LOT easier than being frazzled with a stye on your eye and technical difficulties (blonde indeed!) that give you less than 10 minutes to put on make-up before curtain.

And the morning started out with so much promise, too! “Hmm…” I wondered after the making of my eye patch went so smoothly. “Whatever shall I do whilst I wait for 11:00 to roll around? Mayhaps I’ll have time to exercise my trusty sidekick Teddy. Should I have flowing curls in my hair or go for a more saucy, tousled look? The possibilities are endless. All I need to do is set up this here camera and I’m free for a few hours…”


Behold! The RAY. It’s the skinny thing just to the right of the door. One takes what one can…

Ooh! That’s right! NOT a technical genius! I thought my worst problem of the morning would be my messy sewing room, which I’d decided to embrace. Instead I was toiling (and failing!) with the camera with minutes to go and barely had time to slather some lipstick on! And a fifteen minute broadcast. It’s a LOT longer than you’d think. Good heavens for all that is mighty, I think I even sang the alphabet for the last few moments just to make it to my goal. The alphabet!

But I did it! Ish. However, the thought of doing it again today and the next day and the day after that filled me with dread. ANYTHING seemed better than doing that again! Anything!

Then I saw a ray of light.

It was coming from my attic door. Hah! I would still rather do a broadcast than face a bat in the dark of night. Note the pencil in the keyhole. As I’ve been told countless times, “Bats can fit through a hole the size of a pencil eraser.”

So attractive! But better than bat! ANYTHING is better than bat! I think.

So attractive! But better than bat! ANYTHING is better than bat! I think.

Along the top of the door is one of those draft thingys that usually go beneath, but the gap’s above! I had it up last year and STILL had bats. Hopefully that pencil will do the trick.

So I’ll try again today. There’s no place to go but up – although knowing me I can find a place to dig.

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